


Neptune and Venus

by okoyee



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cheating, Established Relationship, M/M, inspired by gone girl, this is some dark shit, unhealthy relationship? i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-09 22:21:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6925801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okoyee/pseuds/okoyee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what he's become; a forgotten half-finished project that Dan refuses to commit to anymore. And yet, Phil still finds himself patiently awaiting for Dan to realize he's alive once again. Because he loves Dan. He really wants this to work out between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Neptune and Venus

**Author's Note:**

> hey so if this is the first fic of mine ur reading ur in for a big fucking surprise, if u happen to be somebody that's read my other shit, welcome to another shitfest. Also, note before you read this story PAY ATTENTION TO THE DATES AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH PARAGRAPH, also as a side note none of the cheating is really described in like lots of detail. it kinda just there.
> 
> Anyways enjoy, don't forget to kudos!

 

 

 

 

 

**Dan Howell: October 2009**

 

He was under the belief that him and Phil were meant to be with each other since birth, everything Dan said was met with perfect harmony by Phil. They complimented each other perfectly, they were the flip-sides to each other. Couldn't be without the other anymore. Without Phil, Dan could not imagine the person he would be. That's why when they met for the first time, after all their long skype sessions finally came to an end and the _real life_ blew up before them, Dan had confessed to having the biggest crush on Phil in the whole wide world. He thought, immediately, that because Phil is his other half Phil would be ecstatic and admit to being in love with Dan as well.

This, was not the case.

Phil gives Dan a peculiar face at the confession, and Dan feels suddenly insecure as he always does when placed in front of people. But Phil had always been _different_ —the odd disturbing feeling that Phil could be placed in the same category as 'everybody else' left Dan feeling slightly hallow—but Phil simply reaches out, warm fingers pressing against Dan's jaw line, in a light, fleeting touch. "I'm still dating Charlie, you know."

 _Charlie_ , a hot flash of jealously burns within Dan at the simple mention of the name. _Fuck Charlie_. He's always hated Charlie, met him a few times (against his will) and he could feel Charlie's dislike towards him, as well. Dan hovered around Phil too closely, even when Charlie was near, as though trying to place a physical stake that Phil is _his_ even in front of Phil's boyfriend. Charlie has mentioned to Phil before he thinks that him and Dan are getting 'too close', to which Phil had been cuddling Dan whilst reading the texts. ' _Are we_?' Phil had asked, innocent eyes flickering up at Dan with large wondering curiosity. Of course they got too close, they've been too close since the moment they've said each other's names over skype, that's just the issue with soul mates: they can never be split apart. Charlie needs to go, of course, and he will. But Phil is bad at break-ups, especially when he isn't even aware he's _going_ to breakup with somebody, yet.

"I know," Dan says quickly, as though he had considered Charlie into the equation of him and Phil's future (he hasn't), "I just need to tell you everything. I can't keep secrets from you." This is the first lie Dan ever tells Phil, though in Dan's defense he is a _liar_ , a practical manipulating _liar_. He can't help it, he almost does it impulsively, and it's almost amazing that he hadn't told Phil a single lie until that very moment in time. Phil smiles softly, head leaning onto Dan's shoulder without an ounce of hesitation despite the fact Dan had just confessed too him.

Phil sighs, "It sucks." Dan opens his mouth to ask ' _what does_ ' except Phil closes his eyes, inhaling sharply, "Cause I think I like you too."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Phil Lester: February 2016**

 

He could hear Dan sneaking out of the house, again, this is the third time this week. All at 3 AM, exactly, almost on the _dot_. Phil has set an alarm 20 minutes before 3, and always waits for the soft sounds of Dan putting on his jacket and shoes, followed by his steps down the stairs, thus followed by the gentle closing of the door. All the sounds are barely noticeable, the first time it had happened Phil had to physically leave his bed to confirm what he had heard, but now he waits patiently, ears ready to hear the soft sounds, and then with a sinking heart goes back to sleep. Dan is always back before Phil manages to wake up (which is getting increasingly earlier in attempt to catch Dan) but Dan is a great liar, even when he's caught he goes with a simple ' _I didn't sleep, so I went out for a morning walk'_. That's the first lie, at least, the second one is a bit more convoluted, and Phil had simply waved it off because he didn't want to hear any excuses.)

By the time it happens for the 8th time Phil has had enough, the 9th time is when Phil decides to wait in the living room at 3 AM. Ten minutes before, so as Dan wanders out of his bedroom (dressed and definitely _not_ wearing the clothes he wore earlier that day, hair did up nicely, with probably some sort of stupid perfume on his wrists) Dan looks startled. Dan looks alarmed, then _angry_. As though Phil waiting on the lounge, ready to pounce on him with dark questions, is his fault. As though Phil _shouldn't_ be bothering to question him because it's none of his goddamn business. Dan offered a curt smile, sharp and violent, before scurrying to the kitchen as though that was his original intention in the first place. Phil repeats this process for an entire week, watching Dan get slowly more and more agitated at every sight of Phil sitting, waiting. But he never says anything, probably because Dan had set up an imaginary game of push and pull between Phil and him. Who will push? Who will pull? Dan refuses to admit to anything, and therefore, Phil patiently waits. He's good at waiting, he's a very patient person.

It's the 23rd time until Phil decides to exchange the first words. "Do you have trouble sleeping lately? You're always up at this exact time, I wonder why."

For the first time since their relationship had started, Phil had felt like he had won the invisible game of push and pull simply because Dan had looked alarmed: it was then Dan _knew_ that Phil knew. Dan had looked pensive, emotions flickering over his face like a scared child, ranging from _fear_ to _irritation_ to _anger_ to _sadness_ , and then Dan had finally settled on neutrality, voice almost on edge though, "You know me," he smiled, a gentle smile meant to reassure Phil in dark times (Phil steadies his jaw, suddenly irritated), "That 4 AM tumblring isn't a joke."

Phil ends up keeping the habit of waking up at 3 AM for another month, except Dan never wakes up and leaves again.

He had pushed Dan back into the circle they had created for each other over the years, though Dan is much more rebellious than Phil, thus tries to over-step his boundaries more often than not. Usually, Phil let's him. But there's some things he cannot accept, especially if Dan is planning on leaving him. What was it that Dan used to say to him? Something about soul mates, something about attraction, something that no matter what soul mates always find a way to gravitate to each other. At the end of the road, they'll always be facing each other. _But maybe_ , Phil thinks as he taps away on his laptop in the dull of night, _I've been too passive_. Maybe he really has. He's been letting Dan get away with things for _years_ without mentioning that he knows of said things, he had done this mostly to preserve Dan's pride, but obviously it's been building his ego too much.

Dan is deluded into thinking he's always playing the role of the 'pusher', that Phil is simply being pulled along at his pace.

 _Can't have that_ , Phil thinks to himself. Dan isn't the only smart one in this relationship, he's good at playing manipulative games as well, and if that's the way Dan wants to play, _fine_ , he'll finally become an active player in this stupid game. He'll beat Dan at his own game, and once victorious this stupid game of push and pull will finally end and then they can finally settle back into their old routines. But if Dan thinks he's pushing Phil, then Phil simply needs to tug the other side of the rope harder and more aggressively, until Dan's being pulled by _him_.

 _Now time to pull_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Dan Howell: March 2009**

 

An unspoken agreement between them is made once Phil and Charlie break up: that him and Phil must _wait_.

Dan agree's, it's kind of an asshole move (even for him) to start officially dating somebody when they just broke up with somebody else, because that usually means one person was cheating. Which him and Phil were not. Him and Phil never even kissed when Charlie and Phil were still dating, there was always a respectable _physical_ distance, but emotionally, Dan knows Phil is guilty of emotional cheating. Phil had stopped loving Charlie the moment Dan had stepped into his life. Which is fine by Dan, but still, they have to wait a bit. Which doesn't really limit them aside from the fact they agree on no sex and no 'admitting' to them liking each other for another month. Aside from that, all limitations are suddenly lifted.

Dan finds himself pushing Phil against the walls, periodically, randomly when Phil will say something cute or his shirt will dip over his shoulders, collarbones peaking over a bit, creamy skin tempting Dan and Dan will simply push Phil against the wall and kiss him until Phil is sliding down the wall, knee's weak. Dan's favourite memory of them is a new memory, one of the things that he looks back whilst it's still in present tense and _knows_ that no matter that that simple memory will keep him in love with Phil until they both died. It's a simple memory, just him and Phil walking down the rocky shores, fingers linked between each other, hair rustling in the wind. Phil's face had been flushed with a deep rosy pink, lips stained in a dark red from Dan biting them too much earlier that day. It's a soft precious memory, one that Dan is absolutely sure he's going to cherish it, cherish as much as he cherishes _Phil_. Everything about Phil is fucking _perfect_ , every moment with him is as though walking on a trail straight to Heaven. Dan loves Phil, he really, _really_ does.

"Oh, good morning." Phil's mother is already up, Dan had heard her singing a soft melody from upstairs before he came down. Phil's family is strange, they all interlink as a _family_ —there's really no other definition—compared to Dan's family whom orbit around each other. His family is more as though everyone is walking on a thin line, trying their best not to rock the boat that has leaks in it already. He hasn't been on good terms with his father or brother since _ever_. His younger brother never like other younger brother's, his brother has never peculiarly yearned to be paid attention to by Dan; Dan is simply a figure-head to him, a stranger. His father resents Dan in the strangest ways, a son that doesn't want to be involved with his father's typical 'male-bonding' times. Phil's parents are different, his parents don't force him into doing anything he doesn't want to do, Phil's older brother always soft and yielding to whatever Phil wants in the strangest ways. Most suspiciously of all, Phil's mother is _encouraging_ of whatever Phil wants. His own mother is the opposite: she always has words of discourage on the tip of her tongue, always seeking to steer Dan onto the best path possible, even if it isn't what he wants.

"Morning." And here he is, now considered a _part_ of this family dynamic. Phil had been honest with them 'This is Dan, my kinda-boyfriend', to which Martyn had said ' _Kind of? What does that even mean, Phil_.' Phil didn't explain to them in explicit detail, and yet, Phil's family had simply _took_ the explanation and accepted Dan wholly into their family. Opposite of his family once again. Phil had came to his house _once_ , early in their knowing each other, and Dan had been flustered and excited to introduce something so _precious_ as Phil to them, ready to show off his family to Phil (because he had already met Phil's), hoping they'd receive Phil in the same way he'd been received, but he should have known, his mother had observed Phil with cool calculating eyes, a series of stern questions when she had realized—Dan _knows_ she realized: his mother doesn't miss a thing, her eyes see all—and once the questionnaire had been fulfilled, she had dismissed Phil. No longer interested, which in a way is better than her being disapproving.

"Age?"

"4 years older than Dan," Phil had said instead of his actual age, which in hindsight Dan should have considered more. Dan is only 18, it could seem a bit weird that he's frolicking around with guys a few years older than him. His mom had glanced at him then, watching for his reactions to their confession. Dan had simply tried to beam his love for Phil into her. She didn't take to it as well.

"Do you go to university?"

"Yes, I go to University of York."

She had seemed a lot less interested in Phil after his admittance to going to university, he assumes it's because she realized that Phil is unlikely to be a drug dealer or some pimp or lead Dan astray from life, because of _course_ Phil would most likely encourage Dan to remain in university if he had went himself. Phil would take care of Dan as well, maybe that's how she see's Phil. His mom's way of thinking is still foreign to him, but either way, the dinner with Phil and his family had been stiff and awkward, unlike the friendly banter Phil's own family has, even with Dan at the table.

"Are you heading back home today?" Phil's mom ask softly, probably worried at the fact that he's awake _before_ noon. Dan nods his agreement, it still feels kind of awkward to 'make himself at home' in Phil's home, yet, Phil's family has shown no indication of being disturbed by Dan rummaging through the cupboards and making his own breakfast. "Phil told me you got accepted into Manchester University, is that where you plan on going?"

"Yeah." Dan swallows, licking his lips. Phil had suddenly made plans to get his own flat _before_ Dan moves out to Manchester, mostly had been the intention for Dan to move in with him, but Dan knew his mom would never allow it, especially when she's at least semi-aware of Dan and Phil's relationship. Even him going to Manchester is setting her on edge, he can tell. "I'm going to be dorming though."

She looks slightly surprised at this, "You aren't going to be living with Phil? I thought that was his plan?"

"Yeah, but my mom wouldn't approve of it..."

"Right," no further commentary. "Go wake Phil up."

Dan nods jerkily, heading back upwards without an ounce of compliant and crawling into the spot next to Phil in his bed (where Dan had slept all night, curled against Phil, calm and as happy he's ever managed to be in his miserable life), and he smiles to himself, ear pressed against Phil's chest as he hears the steady _thump, thump, thump_ of Phil's heart. And he can't help but think, how wonderful it would be, how fucking _great_ it would be if he could put this heart in a jar and preserve this emotion: preserve _Phil_. Because what if Phil doesn't love him forever in the way Dan will? What if they aren't one of those couples that are _written in the stars as forever_. This terrifies him, he wants to be with Phil forever. Even if they aren't in love anymore.

 _I love you_. He pauses, hand flattening against Phil's chest as he begins to stir, and Dan's chest just _wells_ as it always does when he looks to Phil, _I really, really love you_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Phil Lester: February 2016**

 

He's crouched in the corner of the living room, hunched into himself in a literal fashion as he watches the TV, keen eyes picking up on moving figures as Dan half-pays attention to the TV show while scrolling through his phone. This position is optimal for snooping, from this corner it looks like he's paying attention to the TV but if he tilts his head _sli-ightly_ to the right, he can see the reflection of Dan's phone in the fire place. He's been doing this a lot lately, watching Dan's activity on his phone. Even though Dan has stopped sneaking out to go meet _whomever_ he was meeting before Phil had abruptly stopped that, he still doesn't trust Dan. _Cheating_ and emotional cheating are the same exact thing: he had done it once upon a time with Dan, he had emotionally cheated on his loving boyfriend _for_ Dan.

He accidentally snaps the cracker he had been nibbling on in half, alarming Dan from whatever trance he had been in—Phil had only gotten a glance of _Sarah Holt_ before he has to regretfully turn his head to look at Dan, who's staring at Phil as though he's seen him for the first time in _weeks_ —but maybe it is. Dan see's him, but is he really looking at him? Dan has stopped trying, has stopped trying in _loving_ him. Them. He's simply given up on them being a 'together' sort of package deal as they both have always been. Not fair, Phil has been working so _hard_ to attempt to rekindle their dying relationship, suggesting spontaneous outings to typical couple-events, he had even thought their Japan trip had maybe _finally_ had worked, Dan had seemed so _alive_ beside Phil in a way they haven't been for years. Yet, like the ending of a fairy tale book, the magic had disappeared and Dan became the same bitter prune he's become in his middle-twenties.

When Dan looks at him it's no longer ' _I love you, I love you, I love you_ ' instead now it's a chant filled with ' _I hate you, I hate you, you've ruined my life, I HATE YOU_ '.

"Can we rewind?" Dan says, looking pointedly at the TV with a furrowed expression, apparently _now_ deciding he wants to pay attention to the TV show _he_ had suggested. Dan is always like that, always _has_ been. Fickle. Dan Howell can be summarized in the singular word: F-I-C-K-L-E, one moment Dan loves the word, in another he hates it, one moment he see's the future and in another it's crushed beneath him. Games and books are all half-finished projects, mostly completed but it's always when it get's close to the point of ' _in for the long haul_ ' does Dan disconnect emotionally from whatever project he had began. All over their house is these half abandoned projects, all sitting idly awaiting for Dan's attention to be on them once again. Maybe that's what he's become, a forgotten unfinished project that Dan refuses to commit to anymore. And just like all the inanimate objects, Phil sits patiently awaiting for Dan to realize he's alive once again.

"Yeah," Phil mutters, rewinding the show to the point he knows Dan stopped paying attention at. But what can he do? Without Dan who would he be? Who would _they_ be? They make each other the best possible outcome of each other, motivate and make the other successful. Dan is stupidly egotistical in thinking that without Phil he can be a ' _something_ '. Phil knows Dan probably better than Dan himself does, and he knows, without Phil he'd collapse underneath the folds, finally, the universe would sink it's dark black claws into Dan's heart and drag him into the ocean that has always been calling out to Dan in the dead of night.

Once Dan is thoroughly focused on the TV show, Phil idly finds himself typing in the name ' _Sarah Holt_ ', switching to images and isn't disappointed to find her Facebook as the second option. Not so surprising, as well, Dan Howell is what appears as their mutual friend.

 _Got you_.

Now, what he does with this information is the issue. He clicks out of her facebook immediately, not wanting to be caught by Dan anymore than he already has. He can't reveal his cards too soon into the game, that'll just leave him without anything good at the very end. Always end with the most interesting fact, is how his university English professors would instruct to him when it came to writing essays. _Stating what you're going to do, body, body, most interesting fact and then_ bam! _the conclusion_. He has three options at the current moment: 1) Confront Sarah 2) Confront Dan or 3) _Phil-esque way in handling the situation_. The last time he had dealt with someone in a 'Phil'-esque way, Dan had a mental breakdown, clarity ringing in his ears and eyes wild in fear as he had screamed at Phil until they were both crying, mostly Dan, but Phil couldn't stand to see Dan so _broken_ over something he had done.

But now?

Well now, let's leave it at that he thinks Dan could use to be broken down a bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Dan Howell: November 2010**

 

He did something incredibly stupid.

Something very, _very_ stupid.

It was in the heat of the moment, his dad screaming, his mom screaming even louder, his brother crying as he had screamed as well. How his family had ended up in a violent screaming match? _Him_. It was all his fault. He had rocked the boat, crossed the thin line his family had orbited, trying to mimic the way Phil's family had operated and had ended up in this exact situation. He had revealed certain _intentions_ concerning Phil to his family, mostly concerning that he had soon-to-be recent plans in moving in with Phil, and ' _oh, by the way mum, dad, I'm dating him_ '. His mother had begun, as usual, disapproving of the situation. Immediately. She hadn't even bothered to hear his side of the story, hadn't even bothered to hear the _pros_ of him living with his boyfriend. His dad had gone pale-faced, the words ' _gay_ ' probably echoing within his head, and his brother hadn't reacted, surprisingly, simply continuing eating his breakfast.

It was that which had suddenly unleashed all of her anger on him. Petty things, big things. They rotated through angry sob stories, screaming and crying. His dad showing more of a disappointed attitude towards everything, yelling and loudly telling Dan exactly what sort of disappointment he believes him to be.

He knows, he knows he's a disappointment.

But in Phil's eyes he's always been a hero, and he loves that. He loves Phil so much. Even when his parents kicked him out, two suitcases (the travel size) pulled behind him, Phil had accepted him with open arms. Easily, with a large smile and soft fingertips.

Dan thinks he cried that night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Phil Lester: February 2016**

 

Dan needs to suffer, is what Phil decides on with finality. An odd sort of calm that had washed over him in a cool breeze, simply telling him what needed to be done. And Dan needed to suffer. Simply revealing to Dan that he knew Dan was cheating, won't be enough. Do that and maybe Dan will use it as an excuse to leave him. No, Dan needs to be sorry for the rest of his life. Every waking moment from now until Dan dies, will Dan spend regretting his mistakes, he will make it up to Phil. Phil knows how to fiddle with Dan, and he will play him like the harp.

Even if it destroys them both.

"For my birthday party," Phil muses out loud, wondering if Dan had even bothered to _think_ of a party this year, "You can invite who you want, really. Even that insufferable—"

"30," Dan says with an air of wisp, he finally, _finally_ looks his way. A long hard look, a look that has nothing beneath it. No love, no hate, no _nothing._ What is worse? Being acknowledged but acknowledged in an empty uncaring way. Lack of love, and defeated out of hate. Phil, oddly self conscious in this singular moment wants to crack open Dan's head, scoop out his brains and peer down into his thoughts, to finally have a sort of clarity and comfort in knowing what Dan is truly thinking. To finally know who Dan truly is.

There's no following of: _soon we should settle down, huh._ Because Dan doesn't want that, Dan stubbornly refuses to step up to any responsibility in their relationship. That'll have to change, whether Dan wants it to or not.

"30." He repeats, almost numbly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Phil Lester: February 2016**

 

How do couples fall apart?

The answer is easy: they stop trying. One gets too comfortable, the other too confident. Egotism and pride, never a good mixture between two people. He turns his head, the alcohol lagging his vision and slowing people down, Dan has wandered off (leaving Phil alone to mingle and receive birthday wishes despite the fact Dan has always had a hand on Phil's waist every year before) Phil knows where Dan is. Sarah is missing, Dan is missing. Put two and two and you have a cheater. That's fine, he had wanted Dan to invite Sarah because with Sarah taking Dan's attention off of him, Phil can play coy with the neighbour four houses down. A cheater, like Dan. It seems to be his type.

His name is Richard, works in an accounting firm and has big lips. The first time Phil kissed Richard, his breath had stunk and Phil couldn't help but think _this is dumb_ but he needs to be resolute. He wades through the crowd, smiling and thanking people as he sips on expensive wine Zoe had brought, until ending up before Richard.

"You didn't tell me you were married," Richard states, though it doesn't seem like he cares too much. His voice is airy, uncaring, Phil is beginning to get sick of the word usage 'uncaring'.

Phil sips idly at his wine, looking to where he can spot Sarah and Dan having a heated argument. Trouble in paradise, Phil smiles, "Neither did you. You're married to Sarah, aren't you?"

"What?"

Phil tips his glass, looking to where Louise is tipsy singing 'Sorry' by Justin Beiber, then glances (very carefully, as too not alert that he's seen Dan and Sarah) where Dan is holding his head in frustration, finally looking in the general direction of Richard and Phil. Phil stumbles tipsily, smile flirty as he looks up with fluttering eyelashes to Richard. "Apparently neither of us is bothered by it," a pause, a tilt of his head, Richard's throat bobs. Hook, line and sinker. "Keep me company?"

Acting drunk is easy enough, feet stumbling over each other as he leans into Richard's chest, after Richard wraps a long fat arm around his waist, pulling them together as they stumble in the direction of Phil's room.

Phil doesn't even need to look up to know that the pair of shoes in front of him are Dan's. The black zipper ones—the ones that Phil secretly hates, though he thinks Dan knows this because Dan always wears them whenever Phil has an important event—either way, Phil drunkenly leans into Richard's side, muttering something about a bed incoherently. "Who're you?" Dan finally demands, and Phil finally looks up, eyes flickering at Dan almost innocently. No, _definitely_ innocently: he knows how to pretend, he knows that his pretending is almost flawless.

"Calm down, I was just going to lay him down." Richard says, picture perfect smile on his face. If Dan hadn't seen them leaning into each other earlier, whisper into each other's ears, Dan probably would have believed it. Phil almost _laughs_ loudly when Dan mutters ' _I'm sure both of you would have enjoyed a good 'lay' down_.' He waits a solid 8 seconds before belatedly laughing into Richard's shoulder. "Alright Phil, your boyfriend is here, so head over to him now."

Dan opens his arms almost expectantly, coaxing Phil over to him, and Phil _giggles_ loudly before wrapping himself around Richard's arm, "Don't _wanna_ ," he sing-songs, "Dan is such a cheating _bore_. Don't give me to him."

Phil wishes he could see Dan's facial expressions, but he can't risk seeming _too_ sober, he has to look like the type of drunk that's a step away from falling over and into blackness. Not the type of drunk that stares too long and too hard at people's faces before laughing louder than the rest of the room, those types of drunks are still sane, the first type isn't. That's what he needs, an excuse, a way of looking pitiful, to become the sort of drunk that is drinking _because_ their life is difficult so they need a night to forget it all. Phil hiccups, suddenly becoming damper, " _Cheater_ , cheating cheater."

He can tell that Richard is now awkward now, awkwardly patting Phil's back, "Now, now I'm sure that's not true," he says, almost sweetly. Phil _almost_ feels bad for what he's about to do to Richard, almost. He'll feel bad later.

"It isn't," Dan grits out. "I'm not cheating Phil, honestly you get so strange when you're drunk—"

"Then who's _Sarah_?"

Dan's face sobers into a dreading look, Richard into a look of _rage_ , and Phil smiles to himself as he pushes his nose into the crevice of Richard's neck. "Sarah? Sarah Ho— _ohhh_ , Richy richy isn't your last name—"

"It is. Holt."

 _How stupid, getting angry that your wife is cheating when you were about to cheat on her seconds ago_. Sure it can be used in reverse with him: but Phil never had any intentions to _actually_ cheat. Just a kiss here and there, maybe a lingering hug, but never full body contact. He was simply using Richard to get rid of Sarah—that _bitch_ whom thought it was a good idea to touch _his_ possessions (and Phil does not like using the word _bitch)_ —soon Dan will be forced to face the music. It wouldn't hurt if Dan was punched a few times, either.

"You knew," Dan finally says, exhaling as he looks between Richard and Phil like a deer caught in head lights. _Richard_ is going to think Dan is referring to the infidelity, but it's an inside joke between Dan and Phil almost because both of them know they're referring to the fact Phil had brought Richard and Dan before each other with these exact intentions.

 _It won't end here, I'll make sure you suffer_.

"Fool me once, _shame on you_ , fool me twice, shame on _me_ , fool me three times and what will it do to you, to me?" Phil sings, watching how Dan's eyes widen before he's turning to Richard ready to try and talk himself out of this. What will Dan say? _My spouse is crazy so I slept with your wife to get relief_? Either way, cheating is cheating. Phil has the moral high ground no matter what.

Richard throws the first punch, and Phil is thrown backwards into a wall, watching as Dan feebly tries to defend himself, just as Sarah comes running, screaming for them to _stop_.

Phil feels his vision go black when Richard throws the second punch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Dan Howell: January 2011**

 

Today is New Years Eve.

2 years, _almost_ , of him and Phil dating, and today is a turning point, Dan can feel it. Today is also the first time they've ever fought, Dan knew it'd become inevitable as they started living together, but he didn't think their first fight would be over something petty, and of course, Dan had started it. He feels terrible, like a piece of shit, but Phil had egged him on and now it's at the point it's hard to apologize. Plus, it doesn't help that he's shit-faced at 8 in the evening.

His parents had forgiven him as far as accepting homosexuals they're capable of, but his mom doesn't forgive Phil. ' _Phil is bad for you_ ,' his mother had stated. How is Phil bad for him? She says since meeting Phil he's gotten angrier, but he likes to chalk it up to growing hormones (he's shot up a lot in the past few months), she says he's encouraging _bad behaviour_ —but Dan is suspicious that's what she's beginning to refer to his sexuality as—Phil is the best thing to ever happen to him, and he might've just ruined it.

Dan almost cries. Almost.

Either way, he isn't thinking very much when he grabs the nearest black haired girl, _girl_ , by the arm asking if she wants to kiss, before he's pushing her up against the wall, grinding up against her, and by the time Dan wakes up his penis is flaccid, the clock is at _3:47 AM_ and he's covered in dry sweat, and dry cum and he wants to cry because he's such a fucking fuck-up _fuck_. If Phil was willing to forgive him previously, he certainly won't now. _I'm a fucking fuckboy, I can't even stay loyal to who I'm dating and_ —

His thoughts run dry when Phil enters the room. Beautiful, beautiful, lovely Phil. Dan turns his head, expecting to be caught with another body in the bed, except there's no one. No nothing. Just him covered in dry cum and naked.

 _I can lie_ , is what Dan realizes immediately.

Phil blinks, not particularly disturbed. "You left the party to masturbate and then pass out?"

This is the 43rd lie he's ever told Phil. But, it's the first lie that begins his downward spiral, if anything. _It's okay_ , he thinks, licking his suddenly dry lips as he sits up, _Phil will never know and I'll never,_ ever, _cheat again_ (in hindsight, he thought he definitely wouldn't) and said, "Yeah."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Phil Lester: March 2016**

 

"You said you forgave me." Dan says, his voice sounds faraway, as though touching the ends of the universe, and this is the sound that lures Phil away from the pleasant dreams he was having. Dan swallows, loudly, and Phil watches groggily as Dan rubs his lips—a nervous habit, definitely—and looks at Phil. Truly _looks_. "And I said I forgave you. But we didn't, did we?"

"I _did_ forgive you Dan—"

"You _don't_!" Dan screams, standing up and the chair tips backwards, Phil almost wants to laugh at what a movie-like scene this is, a cheater and their lover finally confronting each other, though he thinks in terms of anger they're reversed. Dan inhales, exhales, before finally picking up the chair and setting it back in place, before finally sitting down. "You always look at me like—" he swallows again, this time louder than the previous time, or maybe it's because Phil is suddenly paying more attention to Dan overall, "Like I'm a _pest_ , like me fucking breathing is the worst thing in the world. Sometimes Phil, sometimes," Dan chokes up, and this is the first tell tale sign he'll cry, Phil doesn't blink, "I'm _scared_ of you. Because sometimes when you look at me I really think that that's the end: that you'll finally decide you've had enough and just off me."

"You wouldn't have to be scared if you didn't keep ' _messing up_ '." When did he start to refer to Dan's infidelity as 'messing up', such a casual thing, almost as though Dan put a pink sock in the washer, or forgot to do dishes, not this. This isn't a simple mishap, this isn't messed up clothes washing, their relationship has become a teacup that has dropped on the ground, shattered beyond repair, and yet they both keep trying to glue it all back together.

Dan sighs.

"Because I don't forgive you." Dan says simply, "I may have cheated Phil but you did something a lot worse and—"

"Daniel," says Phil, wondering how long it'll take to check out of the hospital so they can go home and finally revert back to how they've always been, "Enough."

Dan doesn't swallow, or have big doe eyes, he simply looks like he's on the verge of crying.

But he's not broken, yet, so Phil takes that as a good sign.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Dan Howell: January 2011**

 

When he see's her picture on the news, he realizes right away it was _her_.

"—if anyone has any information pertaining the death of Noelle Jason please contact us at the tip hotline. Yet again, Noelle Jason was found on Bert 87th street in a garbage bin time of death is estimated to be around 3 AM on January 1st, if any one has any information of her whereabouts prior to her death please contact us at the tip hotline—"

Phil is beside him, idly sipping on his lemon tea and said, so casually, "What a shame."

The second Dan has a moment he googles _Noelle Jason_ , finding a crude disgraceful shot of her naked body painted in blood.

It spells _SLUT_ , and Dan realizes, with an odd clarity, that his mother was right. She was definitely right. Phil is bad for him, Phil is fucking _crazy_. And yet when he woke up that morning, bags underneath his eyes from a mere 20 minutes of sleep, Phil sipping at his coffee in the morning, Dan had simply said. "Slut, huh. I thought you tried not to swear."

Phil had blinked, smiled and said.

"Not her."

And went back to his room.

 _Not her_ , Dan had held himself and cried, and _cried_. Because Phil was right, she wasn't the slut, he was, he definitely was. A cheater. A failure. A disappointment. In the end, those are the words that'll define him the most the rest of his life. The words will always hang over him like a heavy black cloud, because, as long as Phil doesn't forget, he won't let Dan forget either.

"That boy is bad news," his mother had said, Dan remembers the haunting look of fear that had settled in her eyes when she realized what sort of person Dan intended to spend the rest of his life with, she had looked sour as she repeated, "Bad news."

 

 

 

 


End file.
